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a time without grieving

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  • a time without grieving

    from within the center
    of a fragrant chocolate dahlia
    open up white doors to other worlds


    where whispers fill the empty streets a sudden fear of others


    visiting an all-night kiosk
    purchasing key chains and other trinkets
    threat of a storm above


    the rich green moss of a shrine between two skyrises


    scent of cherry-blossom body spray
    pleases me—
    the start of October arrives in a burst of color


    tawny port in the wedding crystal,
    our laughter a semblance
    of a time without grieving



    gathering dusk when i lose sight of myself of my shadow


    long in the weakening light
    even the spiderwebs fade
    into quiet



    halogen lamps lit something in the night heaving panting


    behind the red velvet curtains
    a chess board gathers dust
    waiting for the next move





    Clayton Beach
    Orrin Tyrell
    ghost cave i brush aside the dharma of a lobster god

  • #2
    This one is kind of like a collaborative gembun only the three liners are meant to be read as full tanka rather than "ku," so perhaps they have a different flavor. Dave Read what are your thoughts on these?
    ghost cave i brush aside the dharma of a lobster god

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    • #3
      Man ... Clayton, Orrin, this is an excellent sequence. The one line poems juxtaposed against the three line tanka creates a unique and fluid rhythm. All the poems are good, but I particularly like the two tanka in the middle:

      scent of cherry-blossom body spray
      pleases me—
      the start of October arrives in a burst of colour

      tawny port in the wedding crystal,
      our laughter a semblance
      of a time without grieving

      Both of these tanka subtly pull elements from their opening lines in a way that informs the rest of the poem. In the first, the “scent” of line one seems to carry into the “burst of colour” of line three despite the fact that “cherry-blossoms” and “October” refer to different seasons. In the second, the last two lines are informed by “crystal” from line one. A piece of crystal distorts vision. In a similar manner, laughter, here, is represented as a “semblance”, distorting the moment as though it is part of “a time without grieving”,

      Great work fellas! 😁
      Last edited by Dave Read; 03-11-2021, 01:59 PM.
      https://davereadpoetry.blogspot.com/

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      • #4
        Thanks Dave!
        ghost cave i brush aside the dharma of a lobster god

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        • #5
          My favorite part (I think) is the all-night kiosk. It's hard to say I think it's all really good.

          visiting an all-night kiosk
          purchasing key chains and other trinkets
          threat of a storm above
          But the kiosk touches some images in my own memory so it stands out quite strongly.

          I thought that losing sight of my shadow was a delightful self-forgetting.

          I'm curious about the last line. Is it interesting to pull back from "waiting," which gives some personification to the chess board? "my chair sits empty" or "the next move is mine" (or - not mine!?)
          Last edited by thinkmps; 03-17-2021, 09:50 AM. Reason: edit: all

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