Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Feedback

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Feedback

    Piercing cry
    of a street vendor -
    the sleepless night

    is putting article "a" in L2 appropriate? Suggestions and Feedback welcome

  • #2
    This is a good haiku. Yes, the “a” in line 2 is appropriate. The poem would sound choppy without it. Along those lines, I would actually start the poem with “the” and remove the “the” from the last line, as:

    the piercing cry
    of a street vendor —
    sleepless night

    Just my two cents. Good work.
    https://davereadpoetry.blogspot.com/

    Comment


    • M.S.Chintak
      M.S.Chintak commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you very much, Dave ! For your valuable feedback and suggestions!

  • #3
    For me, articles and prepositions should be used sparingly and condensed where possible. Your ku is good but here’s playing with it a little to change emphasis:

    sleepless night
    a street vendor’s
    piercing cry

    the street vendor’s
    piercing cry
    another sleepless night

    Comment


    • M.S.Chintak
      M.S.Chintak commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Ray ! I appreciate your suggestions. Thank you .
      Last edited by M.S.Chintak; 11-11-2019, 08:52 AM.

  • #4
    Yep.

    sleepless —
    the piercing cry
    of a street vendor

    works best for me. Some good options and ideas here.
    https://underneaththebloominglaburnu...m/p/books.html

    Comment


    • M.S.Chintak
      M.S.Chintak commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for the feedback
Working...
X